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Social networking [25 Mar 2010|01:20pm]
I've deleted every single one of my blogs that's had any kind of an emotional component to it, but I still have this one.  I'm going to use it today.

I have decided that I fucking cannot stand social networking.  I know I say this once every few months, but I really hate it.  I came to some epiphany last night that the closer I get to people in real life, the smaller my presence online.  The past few nights, I've spent hours upon hours on facebook and twitter.

I'm depressed because I have absolutely no clue where my life is headed right now.  I had an interview in Houston a few weeks ago and, while I would love the job, there is so much emotional stress involved if I take that job, it's really hard to think about.   As stressful as it is to think about the possibilities, I wouldn't mind having some damned closure already.

Ahhh...okay, I feel better having written it down.
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Update [04 Aug 2009|09:33am]
Still using this thing, I guess.

Defended the masters and they let me pass.  Yay!  That took FOREVER.

Now on to bigger and better things...
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Nervous [23 Jul 2009|03:35pm]
Since I actually logged into this today, I'll make a note:  I'm defending that horrible, horrible masters thesis and research on Tuesday, July 28 at 2pm.  I can't believe I'll actually be doing it.

Yay, me!

Okay, bye!
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Haha [27 May 2009|05:06pm]
I so haven't posted here in a million years.

Life is different.  Things are different.

Back to your regular scheduled programming!
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Wow, this is oooold... [12 Mar 2008|11:23pm]
Well, the last time I posted here, I was totally pissed off about being a stay-at-home mom.  I felt like I was beyond it; an academic; a scientist.

Then I went back to work, realized that people forgot how long I'd been there before and how much experience I had and kind of had to start all over.  It sucked.  In fact, it still kind of sucks.

In the meantime, my poor kid has had to grow up with me and my hubby working 12 hour days with shitty traffic.  And why am I the one who feels guilty, not him?

Ugh, and now I'm looking at new things in life...trying to decide where to go from here.  Hoping that things will eventually get cool, and interesting, and more like they were when I was younger.

I thought about deleting this whole thing, but I decided to keep some of my favorite posts that I felt said something useful about my life at the time or just make me remember.  And I've moved elsewhere.  And some other places, too.  I'm such a blog whore...
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Birthday wishes [23 Jan 2006|12:46pm]
My birthday is Friday. I'll be 29. At least I'm not 30, like my husband. Hehehehe...

Truthfully, though, I feel old. It's not the number. It's the fact that my body and mind aren't like they used to be. My skin is starting to sag and wrinkle. I'm getting age spots because I spent waaay too much time in the sun as a kid, and as an adult because of my occupation as a geologist. My breasts aren't as perky as they used to be. My hair is much darker than it was. I have a spare tire and lovehandles for which I have pregnancy to thank. I used to be very athletic and very toned. Now, I'm a saggy, lumpy, sedentary stay-at-home mom.

Most of this is because of the pregnancy and breastfeeding. I wouldn't give that up for the world but sometimes I wish I was 18 again, you know?
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Plans...or a lack thereof [09 Jan 2006|12:12am]
I've been thinking a lot lately. I've been thinking a lot about how having a child has really sidetracked my plans. What were my plans? Well, that's a good question.

Maybe I needed to be sidetracked. Truth is, I wasn't much of a planner anyway.

What am I talking about?

Okay. So, there I was, in college, as an undergrad in Missouri. I was a great student. Well, pretty good without being suicidally perfect. I had a few nonadacademic things that I did but mostly it was school and my boyfriend at the time. That was stupid, right? Yeah.

Then, I joined the radio station. Ugh...big mistake number one for my plans. Yeah, that's where I met Larry, my future husband and comrade in all things subversive to my academic aspirations. I broke it off with my loser boyfriend and started having a good time. I was a sophomore going on junior at the time.

That fall semester was the semester of many things: Music. Sex. Alcohol. Hard classes.

Okay, so as most of us who have taken Partial Differential Equations (heretofore referred to as PDE; a very, very difficult math class) know, music + sex + alcohol + hard classes = not a great semester. That was the semester I got really drunk for the first time. That was the semester I was in a relationship almost purely because of the sex and physical attraction. That was also the semester that I almost didn't pass Diff Eq (and go on to PDE in the spring) because I failed the final exam.

I did go on to take PDE but ended almost failing it and taking it again. Again because of all of the fun I was having.

Anyway, so my GPA started getting lower. Not a huge deal, as I still graduated with a 3.2. However, I suspect that my lack of ass kissing with regards to my academic pursuits (e.g. my professors who were important for future job connections) may have led to some problems in future job prospects. Some of my peers actually got jobs upon graduation but not many. This was due to oil being $12/barrel (adjusted for inflation, that's the lowest gasoline has ever been, which meant massive layoffs in petroleum and most of us geology majors heading to grad school). It was off to graduate school for me, especially since my relationship with Larry tanked right before graduation.

I went to grad school. My heart wasn't in it from the start. I wanted to be in industry. I really, really did. Because of this general lack of interest in grad school, I wasn't great at the application process and applied to a bunch of ivy league schools (with my GPA!) and one safe bet state school. Yeah, I ended up at the state school. I wonder if my grad advisor sensed this from the start?

Anyway, I was still obsessed with the man I left behind and clung to the past. I loved that radio station and the subculture it spawned. I really missed it. I just couldn't wrap my head around grad school. It also hit me that I hadn't learned the basics of tectonics very well as an undergrad. I don't know why. Maybe it's because I never had a true tectonics class before then (gosh, could it be because I went to an engineering school?). The semester I took structural geology (one of a few core courses that ALL geologists must take and extremely important to the budding tectonics researcher), they had a stand-in prof who was a middle school teacher because the regular guy had to take emergency medical leave and there wasn't enough time to get a good guy. I ended up being a wiseass during that class asking him questions that he couldn't answer very well. I learned NOTHING.

My heart wasn't in grad school, I was lovesick and homesick and my fundamental knowledge of the subject matter I was to learn was crap. Great. Throw in the fact that the research was based in an obscure area of Russia that only a few people in the world are experts on (my advisor) and all of the papers written for the subject were either in Russian (pre plate tectonics!!) or penned by my advisor.

I got off to a really bad start. I barely kept my head above water during grad school.

It just kept getting worse and worse and then I had some health issues, to boot. I left grad school at the end of three and a half years having finished all of the research and coursework but not having a degree because I was burned out and couldn't write the thesis. So, I moved to Florida. To be with my future husband.

Things actually worked out pretty well after that. I was happy, I obtained my first real job and made some money. I bought my first real car with Larry. We then transferred out to Seattle 6 months after the move but that's what we both wanted.

We got here and I found a job a few months later. I found a great job. I worked for a great company. Granted, I was in an entirely different area from what I went to school for (environmental geology instead of earthquake seismology/tectonics). It was new and interesting and I was helping people and businesses clean up environmental messes! How cool! Things were working out and I started to think, "Hey, I could do this for the rest of my life!".

Then, I got pregnant. The shit hit the fan. You can't work as a field geologist in the environmental industry while pregnant. You have to do office work. Borrrring. Then, I had my baby. Bye bye, real world!

So, I guess my plan before Anthony was to make enough money and gain enough experience in my new field, move up the corporate ladder and become this cool corporate whore. Instead, well...I'm not sure what I want now but I've been doing so soul-searching and looking up old colleagues from undergrad and grad school days and...well, I just feel like a gimp, like I've done nothing so far.

A bunch are on the east coast at good schools doing really cool research. Some have been in industry for several years and are management now. They've all got their cushy 401(k) plans and new, shiny cars that aren't compact. Even my colleagues at work have moved up and I'm just...

Well, I'm just a mom.

Some days I feel victorious that I'm a mom and that I've conquered all of the cool developmental shit with Anthony. "Ooh, he said 'ball'!" Other days, like today, I just feel like I haven't lived up to my potential.

It's days like today where I go, "I love my son. I love my husband." and then I bite my lower lip.
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Babysitting duties [08 Jan 2006|08:31am]
I babysat Declan last night. He's in Anthony's playgroup. He's this whirlwind of a kid, one week younger than Anthony, who is walking and running and generally much more physically advanced than most one year olds. He's not talking much but what he lacks in verbosity, he more than makes up for in physical ability.

He towers a good few inches over my son, too, which isn't surprising as most kids tower over him (10th percentile, baby!). It's hysterical, though, when Declan goes up to my son and pats him on the head, like he's a cat or dog or something. Of course, Anthony starts crying and Declan starts laughing. I have a feeling this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship.

Declan was such a good kid yesterday. Laura and Carl, his parents, went to the movies and I expected they were going to grab a bite to eat before they came home. Nope. They were home almost immediately after the movie. I guess they figured Declan was going to burn the house down or something.

Hey, at least they got out of the house for once. I'm expecting the same, in return, next week when it's Larry's birthday.
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Why can't he just take care of himself already? [06 Jan 2006|02:02pm]
Anthony is crying. He's been cranky, in general, for probably the past month. He'll wake up in the middle of the night, crying, and nothing I can do will make him go back to sleep, except for nursing. He's a year old, he shouldn't need that to fall back asleep but that's what it's taken the past three nights. I try to let him soothe himself. After 30-45 minutes, Larry gets mad, saying something along the lines of, "Well, can't you just nurse him?" It's annoying. I just want him to cry it out but then I have to nurse him because, well, my husband has to work in the morning and can't function well when his sleep gets interrupted.

I'm tired of being that mom. You know, the one that always coddles her kid? The kid that turns out to be a spoiled brat and can't cope with the realities of the real world? The one that doesn't move out of the house until he's 35?

Oops...I keep forgetting I'm dealing with a one year old here, not an adult. Heh.
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Anthony updates [05 Jan 2006|10:40pm]
Man, I was really good a while back about posting Anthony's latest updates, like when he started rolling over, when he started getting teeth, etc. Here's the latest:

He started walking for the first time on Christmas Eve. Larry and I were sitting next to the Christmas tree, with Anthony, about to open one present (a tradition in my family that we've carried over to our little family). He'd been standing up a bunch lately, so we didn't think anything of him standing up to try to open his present (one big enough for him to prop himself up on). Well, he took a few steps and we just went crazy. We practiced with him a few more times, mostly to make sure it wasn't a fluke or that we'd all just imagined what we just saw. He totally cooperated and did it four more times before getting tired.

After the initial excitement wore off, I made a mental note of "Oh shit!" Yeah, I figured life for me as a lazy stay-at-home mom was effectively over. Well, I was wrong, since he's had no real interest in walking since then. We've tried, and each time he's just dropped down onto his hands and knees to crawl. I guess crawling is more efficient for him at the moment, so that's what he'll continue to do until he's really good at walking.

Hey, I'm not complaining! My kid is walking!

He also waves. He's been doing that for several weeks now. It's hilarious. I'll go into his room to pick him up first thing in the morning and he's waving before I open the door. He waves while he's falling asleep. He waves when we walk through the mall. He waves as I change his diaper. He waves at the cats. He waves at his toys. He waves. All. Of. The. Time. Like all good things, though, it seems like it's coming to an end. Don't worry, I'm sure it will be replaced by...

Pointing! Well, or clapping. Or kiss blowing. Supposedly, these are all things kids his age master sometime before they get a little older. It's so cute the first few times. After that, it's like, "Oh, just stop already!" Sadly, though, it'll never be as cute when he's older as it is now.

And...one more thing! He's getting teeth again, finally. He had six teeth by about 7 or 8 months of age and then he stopped getting them. I was really getting concerned until the drool factory chugged back into motion. Within the last week, he's sprouted two molars, is most certainly about to sprout a third and two teeth in front. I cannot imagine the amount of pain he's been in but he seems to be taking it in stride. Granted, he's not the happiest baby on the block anymore but he's dealing with it with aplomb. What's really great is, now that he's got the molars, he can finally chew on stuff better than before! It doesn't change the fact that he'll still try and shove a crapload of food in his mouth all at once and not be able to swallow it all...

The bottom line: My little guy is getting so old! Man, now I know why women have more than one child. I am SO NOT GOING THERE!
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Screw it. [29 Dec 2005|11:07pm]
Lately, I've felt like I'm just a stay-at-home mom and that's it. What I mean by that is that I just stay home and watch the baby. That's all my life is. That's pretty close to the truth, to be honest. What do I do besides taking care of the baby? Glad you asked...I surf the internet. That's about it.

God, my lifestyle is so disappointing right now. I wake up, nurse the baby, we go downstairs where he plays and I make coffee and a bowl of cereal. Then, after about an hour, I feed him his second breakfast. After that, he plays on the floor for a little while longer while I surf the internet. There's usually a couple of diaper changes in the first few hours of the morning, too. Eventually, at this point, I either go out with him or we do more of the same (he plays and I surf). We eat lunch and he plays, and then he nurses and goes down for his nap. While he naps, I clean the kitchen, decide what to prepare for dinner and look at recipes, maybe throw some laundry in, take a shower and then...he wakes up. It's feeding time again and then we play/surf. About this time, daddy comes home and it's time to make dinner. We eat, he eats and then we hang out for a few hours and then...bathtime and bedtime. After the baby is down, I usually eat and sit in front of the computer.

Okay, that's kind of depressing. What's my point in writing all of this down? Well, I want to break away from the surfing/eating habit. I'm gaining a lot of weight (well, not that much but enough over the last year) and I'm not active at all. This leads to more eating (because I'm depressed about my weight and sedentary lifestyle) and more surfing. Ugh...the internet is not that interesting, is it? I mean, sometimes it is but it's not something you should spend most of your day doing while you should be engaging your child and/or getting off of your butt and working. And by writing this down, I can see how disappointed I am in myself and that I should start shaping up.

At the same time I'm totally scarfing down way too much sugary food. I need to get down to the basics: unprocessed whole grains, fruits and veggies, and lean meats. Instead, I've been getting a little addicted to corn chips, yogurt (healthy, yes, but chock full of sugar) and chocolate. Ugh, I just want to stop eating so much food and fit into my old jeans!

Don't get me wrong, being a mom is a very rewarding experience but it shouldn't make you feel like a fat, dumb slob.
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Me me me! [03 Nov 2005|10:30am]
I've blogged about baby enough lately. It's time for me.

My 10-year high school class reunion is coming up in three weeks. It coincides nicely with the Thanksgiving holiday, so I'll be able to use seeing my family as an excuse to fly and see all of my old friends. Unfortunately, a lot of my old friends will not be in attendance. That's because the type of people I used to hang out with just don't go to class reunions. Social recluses, geeks, nerds...basically, they're the people that were the protagonists in the movie "Mean Girls". The type of people that are all grouped together because they have the common interest of not being social butterflies.

The nice thing about having friends like this is you know they don't just like you because you're pretty or you have the nicest, newest designer duds. Instead, they like you because you're you. Unfortunately, they don't keep in touch via email very well and my only chance to see them would've been an event like this, which they won't be at. It's sad, on one hand, but they're saving themselves lots of money - $55 per person! I just wish I'd be able to see them.

Some of my friends will be there, thank goodness, otherwise I'd be throwing away good money just to eat "heavy appetizers" and drink heavily at the "open bar". I'm sure we'll have a decent time. It'll also just be nice to go out with my husband sans baby. I cannot wait!

Here's the kicker, though. Having just had a baby 11 months ago, I haven't dropped all of my baby weight. I'm looking pretty good, thank you very much, but I'm still very self-conscious about the extra 15-20 lbs I'm carrying around. That's extra from the baby. Realistically, I should be another 10 lbs lighter than that. Alas, I only have three weeks...I'm not about to crash diet, especially since I'm breastfeeding. However, I think I'm going to try to abstain from my latest vices (chocolate, corn chips, and guacamole). I think lean meats, fruits and veggies and whole grains are going to have to do the trick for the next three weeks. Well, except for Thanksgiving day...damn.

Gotta get out of here. Playgroup is calling...
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Wow, a.k.a. my baby is a big boy now... [26 Oct 2005|11:00pm]
I just realized it's been several months since I last blogged on here.

Many things have happened. Anthony now has six teeth, and he's working on many, many more.

He's crawling like a maniac and he's getting ready to walk!

He's also babbling. He says "Mama" and "Baba" all of the time. He's particularly fond of "Mama". No "Dada" though. Poor Larry is just not getting the attention he deserves, apparently! It's very cute, though.

I don't want to leave stay-at-home momdom for a while, because I know it's in the baby's best interest if I stay home for the first two years, but I'm getting sad that everyone at my former place of work is moving on. I still get work email, oddly enough but I know that they've hired someone new to replace me (finally). It is very, very strange knowing that someone is doing roughly the same things that I did and everyone will probably really like this person. I won't get to meet her unless I go to the office every few weeks to hang out and chat. It really does make me sad.

I'm also bummed because Larry keeps talking about wanting to quit his current job and move back to Missouri to take a job with a different company. We wouldn't be living in a big city, like we do here, or where we grew up. Instead, we'd be in a moderate-sized city with a definite college town vibe. It's cool but I envisioned staying here and retiring here. I love the Northwest. I love absolutely everything about this area except for the overcrowding, the traffic and the house prices. He cites the desire to move closer to family, which I'll admit is a strong one. He grew up in a big Italian family. Me? Small, Protestant German/Scottish upbringing. My Dad was an only child. We didn't live near my grandparents. From that respect, I actually like living away from my family because that's what I'm familiar with.

To complicate things, Larry's mom (I love her, don't get me wrong) is very typical Italian mom. It's stifling (to me) how much she shows her affection. Every major and minor holiday, she sends a card to our son. She sends gifts. It's very, very cool for Anthony, since I'm sure, as he gets older, he'll totally appreciate the attention. Right now, though...I'm honestly a little jealous that my mom isn't the same way. I'm also a little clausterphobic. So, I don't really feel like moving so close to her (and I feel guilty because of it).

Anyway, I guess I'm a little sad about a lot of things right now, except for my son. He's wonderful. He's beautiful. He's turning more into a wonderful little man everyday! Now I know why moms have babies more than once. I'm not even thinking of going down the pregnancy road (hell) again but I can see the logic.
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Teeth and other developments [30 Jun 2005|03:58pm]
Anthony cut some teeth toward the end of last month. They are so cute. Little pearly things sticking up from the bottom of his mouth. He's enjoying playing with them but I think he's really confused as to what to do with them other than chew on his (and our) fingers. Looks like he'll have a couple more of them real soon. I, for one, am just glad that he finally got some. Now that that pain is over, it should be pretty low-key until the molars come in.

What's really, really cool, though, is that he's started rolling over. He'll just be hanging out on the floor (supervised, of course), and he'll flip onto his stomach. It's really cool the first couple of times it happens because it's just so new. I'm sure it'll get really old in a couple of weeks when he threatens to roll off damn near everything. Right now, though, it is just so cool!

Other nifty developments: his sitting up really well. 75% of the time, he needs no help staying sitting. The other 25% of the time, you have to get ready to catch him. He likes sitting up, a LOT. Also, now that he's getting lots of tummy time, he's practicing trying to crawl. It isn't very graceful, but sometimes he does well and other time he tries crawling on his back, almost like crab. He seems to make the most progress that way. Very funny!

Unfortunately, all of this development means he's waking up at night a whole lot. Sometimes he'll be up three times in one night. He'll wake himself up and practice something, and then he won't be able to get back to sleep. Sometimes he'll get stuck on his stomach and can't figure out how to turn back over. Ugh...I thought those days were gone!

So, when he's not attempting to eat carpet or chew his fingers off, not a lot is going on. Heh! Seriously, you gotta wonder how much development in his brain it takes to do just one of these feats of babyhood. It doesn't just happen overnight, obviously. It's all really neat and I relish every moment of it.
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Not pregnant [18 Apr 2005|01:58pm]
Okay, so I'm not pregnant anymore. I had my baby in December of 2004. I just never got around to using this thing while I was pregnant.

The stats: Anthony Paul. Born December 8, 2004. 8 lbs 9 oz. 20.25 inches long. Incredibly cute.

So now I spend my days feeding him and changing his diapers. Unfortunately, I don't have much time to myself and I don't really get out much. That's why I thought I'd do a journal.
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Being pregnant is fun [15 Jun 2004|12:07am]
This is my new journal about being pregnant. Fun.

That's it for now.
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